2014-11-19 - 11:05 p.m.
I don't even know where to begin. The person standing here is someone I don't recognize...someone I've never been before.
I think about things. I have to think about things I've never thought about before. I make compromises. That's a first. Compromises.
I always thought that being with someone who wanted to have a kid with me...well I thought the whole thing would be magical. But it's not. It hasn't been.
She is perfect. She is everything I've waited so long for. This life is not what I had in mind, however.
He's a cheater. And a liar. He has a problem with escorts and sex addiction and all kinds of things.
A lot has come to light over the last year, and it's been so difficult trying to come to terms with it in addition to all the changes that come along with being a mom.
I struggle a lot with identity anyway, and now I fear if I'm not constantly struggling with it I may just disappear.
I may become a singular thing. Mom. Partner. Blank slate. Boring, boring, boring.
I've never been defined as just one thing. I've never identified myself as one simple thing.
The fact that I haven't left him looms over me as a reminder that I am not free, that I am something wholly other than who and what I once was.
This whole relationship was founded on lies. Things which, if brought to light earlier, would have led to a completely different life.
I would probably still be struggling in Detroit with my work, and being alone, but at least there my life was my own. My choices were mine to make alone.
Now there's this tiny little person and I worry so much for her that I'm afraid to leave. I am trying to reconcile all of these terrible feelings so she will have a real family.
I'm not sure which is worse...showing her that it's ok to put up with bullshit, or her growing up split between two people, two places.
It's been a great while since I've written, and there are a million other things I want and need to say, but I figured I'd just start here.
Much, much more to come.
