2014-11-28 - 12:49 a.m.
I feel sparse these days...I long to show you pieces of myself, but I can't remember what that means, who that was.
I feel so one dimensional now.
You reveal so little, and I feel what I show you is so forced and little....merely what I can recall.
Before my life had a solid, hard, absolute meaning. A life impossible to define, people I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, no matter how imperfect we may be.
I would like to try our family. You, me, her. My sister said recently "Tell me when you get to the point where you can't remember what you did before."
I can't deny the life left behind, but now I understand. Try as you might to fight it, there it is...you have an identity now more important and integral than you have ever known. A thing impossible to abandon, something solid, an anchor, a thing not to be abandoned ever. This is your life.
I was once a well, I felt I was once a deep, unending, well of everything; emotion, trials, tribulations which suddenly seem utterly insignificant.
These feelings, these things I may or may not have been, are now completely irrelevant. Still, I try. I am trying to show you who I was before, before you hit me like a hurricane or an avalanche, before you hit me like a revelation, before you changed everything that I am or could ever hope to be.
Hard as it may be to swallow, my life is no longer my own. Trying as it may be I wouldn't trade it for anything. For years I couldn't believe this life would ever be mine. I must remind myself how hard I fought for this, how I was so concerned this life was something I would never have.
Here it is. I should be ecstatic. I should be thankful, grateful, I should sing howls to the moon, pray to the night skies, wish on the one billion stars we are sometimes capable of seeing.
Everything depends upon how near you sleep to me.
